Do you ever feel overstimulated around people but you don't want to push them away? You deeply value human connection, yet it all just feels too much sometimes. Maybe you're not sure what to do with these seemingly opposing feelings so you either run away and hide or you suck it up and push through, but then feel terrible later.

It’s confusing, right? You want to be kind. You want to belong. But you also crave quiet, or space, or simply a moment to breathe. You start wondering if something’s wrong with you for needing that.

If that’s you, you’re not alone. Many sensitive people find that the very closeness they crave can also become overwhelming.

The Common Advice About Boundaries (and Why It Can Feel Harsh)

You've probably heard things like...

• “Boundaries are self-care.”
• “You teach people how to treat you.”
• “Protect your peace.”
• “If someone crosses your boundary, cut them off.”

But perhaps you sense that this angle has an edge of harshness? It aims to create safety through separation. The hidden implication is that connection is dangerous.

What If Connection and Self-Care Don’t Have to Compete?

I would like to share an alternative approach which honours both the need for connection and the desire for self care - without making either wrong.

Both matter deeply — and you can learn to meet them at the same time.

When Boundaries Meet Real Life (and Real People)

I live with 3 children and my partner. In this situation I have learned the necessity of using boundaries, but I don't have the "luxury" of cutting someone off if they cross them. I also don't want to. I love my children dearly and it's important that they feel attached and secure in their lives.

Sometimes though, my children are wild beasts. Raucous, noisy, unpredictable. At times it feels like every noise my daughter makes is like a knife stabbing into my brain.

It’s hard because the very person I love most is also the source of my overload.

Sometimes when I ask nicely for her to stop or quieten her voice, she ignores me and/or increases her volume.

Sometimes I catch myself snapping, and instantly regret it. Not because I was wrong to set a limit — but because I did it in a way that disconnected us.

The bigger picture here is that she's disregulated and needs an adult ( AKA: me - even though I don't feel very adult in those times) to help regulate her.

Can you identify any situations like this for yourself? Someone is doing something that feels bad for you, but you don't want to hurt them or push them away?

I invite you to just notice what that feels like in your body for a moment before we continue. Does your chest tighten? Do you notice your jaw clench or your breath go shallow?

Now, notice what your typical response would be to this situation and what would that feel like in your body.

• Maybe you justify away your needs so that you can stay in connection?
• Maybe you crack and yell out "stop it"!
• Maybe you abruptly exit the situation and run away?

I know all three of those responses well — the placating, the yelling, and the retreating. None of them feel good afterward.

Whatever it is, I invite you to get really clear on how that feels in your body.

What if boundaries didn’t have to be walls, but bridges — ways to stay real and stay close at the same time?

Here's what that might sound like in real life.

A Different Kind of Boundary Language

Hey (Name). I really want to stay in connection with you, but I can't right now because (overwhelming behaviour or situation) is happening. If it continues I'm going to have to do (thing that protects you from the situation or behaviour)

For example: "Hey Aspen (My daughter), I really want to hang out with you, but it's too loud right now and it's hurting my head. If it stays this loud I'm going to have to leave the room or shut the door. What would you like to do?"

What would you say in the situation you're imagining?

How This Changes the Feel of Connection

Can you sense the tone of caring? It's about maintaining connection... and it's also protective.

It also doesn't pretend you have no power in the situation. It states clearly what the outcome will be if the person keeps doing that thing.

It gives context to the other person. It lets them know the bigger picture - that you want to be connected.

Maybe the other person had no idea that what they were doing was irritating to you. This is a kind way of letting them know.

Maybe they did know - if that is the case they now know what's going to happen if that continues.

This approach is an integration of the needs of both parts of yourself. The part that desires connection and the part that desires self protection.

An Invitation to Try It for Yourself

The beautiful thing about this approach is that you don't have to wait for an overwhelming situation to practice it.

You could think of a small situation today where there's something that is mildy irritating and try the words on for size.

In essence

1. Name that you want connection
2. Name what you would need for that to improve

Heck, you don't even need to have anything irritating. It's actually informative and educational for other people to understand your internal experience regardless of the situation.

Give it a go and let me know how you got on.