You want to be honest. You really do. You value openness, depth, and truth.

But when it comes to saying what’s really going on for you, your throat tightens, your chest contracts, and suddenly… the words don’t come out right.
You’re not alone in that.

If you notice your body reacting as you read — a little tightness, a sigh, a bit of sadness — that’s okay. It’s just your system recognizing something true.

Maybe you feel like your words would be too much. Maybe you fear the other person will take it the wrong way. Maybe it's difficult to get the words out in a way that matches what you're actually feeling - this used to be a big one for me!

Would you like to be able to have open and honest conversations with more ease? What if you could say what you felt in such a way that you could be proud of your clarity and transparency.

Cultural Differences in Communication

My partner is Argentinian and I am from New Zealand. Culturally we are opposites when it comes to communication.

New Zealanders are generally indirect. We do things we think are "polite". We say sorry even when it's not our fault and we say thankyou until it gets awkward. We use lots of words like "perhaps" and "maybe" that dampen the impact (and therefore the clarity) of what we're about to say. If someone messages us with a request and our answer is no, we just say nothing rather than risk disappointing someone.

Ughh — it feels cringy to even write that. But it’s true. It’s where I came from, and it shaped how I learned to protect myself.

Argentinians on the other hand are direct and fiery. They are not afraid of conflict and they say EXACTLY what's on their minds. My eyes must have been the size of dinner plates the first time I went to Argentina, sitting down to a family dinner. It felt like a full on war was breaking out around me - but to them it was normal.

Needless to say, this difference in expectations and behaviours came up a lot during the early stages of our relationship.

The pattern goes something like this...

How Our Protection Patterns Collide

She says something direct and truthful. I interpret it as attack. My defense mechanism of silence and retreat comes online. She gets frustrated because I'm not being clear about what I want. I get more and more withdrawn. She gets more and more direct and frustrated.

OUCH

That was our cycle for a long time. And it hurt — not because we didn’t love each other, but because we were both protecting ourselves in the only ways we knew how.

Your pattern may be different. Different histories, expectations, traumas, cultural norms, gender norms, etc.

These things all impact on couples' abilities to have open, honest, connected and productive conversations.

When these layers combine — culture, upbringing, nervous system wiring — even love can’t override our instinct to protect ourselves.

So what can we do when honesty feels risky — when we want to be open, but our body says no?

When Safety Disappears, So Does Honesty

Have you ever been in an environment where it was easy to speak your truth. It flowed out of you and felt effortless. My guess is that you probably felt safe to do so.

Difficulty expressing honestly is directly related to how safe you feel. Those compensations that dilute your meaning only exist because, somewhere deep down, it doesn’t feel safe to do otherwise.

Safety is foundational. Our nervous systems have a neuroception of safety. That is - they're always scanning the environment in the background of our awareness to sense how safe or dangerous it is. When we judge unconsciously that it's safe, we can be in a more socially engaged mode of being.

In this space of safety, truth speaking is natural.

So if you have a background sense in your relationship that it's unsafe to speak the truth. You're going to have to find ways to support yourself to feel safe.

How to Re-Establish Safety

Here are some ways I know of that might help re-establish safety - so you can relax.

Practical Ways to Create Safety Together

• Naming the fear to your partner - "I'm feeling afraid to speak the truth right now." This is a micro act of speaking what's true. It reveals vulnerability. It breaks the spell.
• Asking for support - "What would help me feel more safe is if you..."
  • "...told me you love me."
  • "...let me finish speaking before you speak."
  • "...put your hand on me."
  • "...shared how you're feeling."
  • "...give me your full attention for a few minutes"
  • "...just share the space with me for a few minutes without any pressure to talk."
  • "...reassure me that we're on the same team, no matter what"
• Identifying the ways in which your own survival mechanisms are operating right now - "I'm finding it difficult to breathe. I'm feeling really shut down. I'm feeling anxious. I have a desire to run away. I have a desire to be very close to you and I'm afraid that I might be too much and scare you away."
• Talk about how it's hard for you to tell the truth sometimes with your partner - probably best done when there is nothing pressing. Engage with curiosity.
• Providing you've had this conversation in the past, let your partner know that it's happening for you again.
• Have a practice of doing regular check-ins with each other. Get used to speaking vulnerabilities with each other with low stakes. As confidence builds, take bigger risks.
• Learn about Nonviolent Communication (NVC). It’s a beautiful framework for expressing what’s alive inside you — your feelings, needs, and requests — in a way that creates understanding rather than distance.

I know - if you felt your chest tighten just reading the above, it's okay. These things can be scary. But just know you don't have to do it perfectly and you don't have to do it all now.

Small truths spoken with warmth have power beyond what you might imagine right now.

Building the Muscles of Emotional Honesty

Here's some things I notice about the suggestions I gave.

1. There is an element of risk and vulnerability involved. It requires being able to summon the courage to take small risks and see how they are received. Paradoxically, taking this leap can lead to feeling safer.
2. They invite a sense of teamwork into your partnership (which can be one of the first things to leave when it doesn't feel safe).
3. There's also an aspect of skill building. What is your emotional intelligence like? Your somatic intelligence? How familiar are you with what is happening internally? These skills also impact your ability to express truly what is going on.

Try This Today

Think of one small truth you’ve been holding back — something gentle but real.
Say it aloud to yourself first.
Notice what happens in your body.
If it feels okay, share it with someone you trust.
Every small act of honesty builds the muscle for the next.

The Bigger Picture

I encourage you to give these suggestions a try. Investing in the skillset of emotional honesty is something that pays back BIG-TIME.

I have a relationship in which I can share anything about what's going on within me. That level of trust is a huge asset in my life. I know I have someone next to me who's got my back. Someone who, if things get tough, can be there to listen to me. I know that no matter what is going on, she will be there to support. And I know she feels the same way about me.

That's teamwork.

Working as a team to create an environment where emotional honesty is the norm is something that will gradually sculpt your life in ways you cannot predict.

Over time, that honesty fills your cup until it overflows — and what spills out is warmth, connection, and quiet confidence that touches every other part of your life.

That’s the kind of love that doesn’t just stay between two people — it ripples outward.