You know what it's like at a busy party or group gathering. Clusters of people engaged with each other, some laughing, some telling stories, possibly music playing...

Maybe you've felt anxious and awkward in spaces like this. You would love to be able to easily connect with someone and enjoy a conversation (like all the other people seem to be able to do). But something holds you back. You just can't seem to make yourself take the leap and just go and talk to someone.

Or if you do, whatever you say comes out sounding weird and you're pretty sure you've just infected this other person with your awkwardness now too.

I have spent a lot of my life like this. I was pretty sure that I was no good at peopleing. It just felt so difficult. Other people at these gatherings seemed to have a great time. They would just laugh and chat and connect with each other so naturally.

But me... NOPE.

Many years ago my uncle organised a ( literally once-in-a-lifetime ) gathering of all my extended relatives that I'd never met before. There was probably 70 people there all up.

I was curious about people, but somehow I couldn't find whatever I needed inside me in order to simply walk up to someone (who I was related to) and just say "Hi".

I pretty much just stuck to the people I already knew and felt uncomfortable the whole day. Many years later, I wish I had spoken to some of them because it would be nice to understand my personal human context more.

Back then, I believed that I was the problem. I was too awkward. Too shy. Too weird. I didn't belong. They won't like me etc.

And just to plant a seed here — what I didn’t realise back then was that none of this difficulty was actually coming from a flaw inside me. That possibility never occurred to me.

With beliefs like that running through my head, I preferred to just go home instead of take advantage of the novel opportunity. It was all too draining.

Now that I've had the perspective of different training and experiences I feel so surprised at how mistaken I was back then. It's actually still shocking to me.

I thought I was bad at people.

But I didn't realise that the exact opposite is true.

The truth is that I am highly attuned to the relational field.

If you’re still here reading, I’m guessing that something in your body recognises this possibility for yourself too.

I'd like to explore more about what that means in a moment, but for now I just wanted to say how much of a relief it was to let go of that story that there was something wrong about me.

If you believe you are shy and awkward and uncomfortable in groups because of some fault within you, let me take you aside for a moment. We need to have a chat.

Because the truth is, you want to connect with people right?

Deeply.

If you believe that deep connection is hard because of some innate fault, then you're basically stuck with an unsolvable problem.

I would like to invite you into a different story. A story that is more accurate and actually grounded in the inner workings of your nervous system. A story that releases the pressure you might have been holding against yourself.

I think you'll come to see that actually you are the kind of person who is most likely to be able to have fantastic fulfilling connections and relationships with the right people.

Interested to see what I'm talking about? Lets chat.

You Are Sensitive To Relational Information

Your nervous system is attuned to information that serves a highly important function. It's relational information.

You're able to detect subtle cues that many other people miss. You pay attention and notice things that others don't. When you walk into a room and there's been a fight, you know it instantly. Your awareness is attuned in this way.

Maybe you feel it in the tightness in your belly, or the slight freeze behind your eyes, or that subtle urge to withdraw before you’ve even had a conscious thought.

You may not always have the correct interpretation immediately. But you feel it inside your body somewhere.

People who identify as sensitive or introverted can make the mistake of turning this sense into a story about yourself. This is a terrible tragedy!

You have been brought up in a world that doesn't know or celebrate the gifts of introversion. So with the absence of fitting into what society does celebrate and love, you have drawn the conclusion that there is something wrong with YOU instead!

The truth though, is that you're just a highly attuned sensor. You likely haven't even realised the full potential of your gifts yet.

When I started doing coaching work and mens work is when I first started understanding that what I was feeling all along was actually useful information. The uncomfortable sensations in my body weren't problems with me, they were relational information which could be used to deepen connection, heal pains and build bridges towards other people.

Groups are often incoherent

Many groups in modern society are missing relational harmony. There may have a shared purpose like...

• celebrating (party)
• building something (workplace)
• learning something (training)

...but that doesn't guarantee that everything is "heading in the same direction"

The way I really came to understand this was by being in groups where there was coherence. Places where nothing was left unsaid. There were no unaddressed elephants in the room. The integrity of the relational container was of utmost priority.

In spaces like this, I experienced for the first time a letting go, a freedom in myself. I felt connected and loved and in harmony with other people.

I was in BIG groups too. Sometimes up to 50-100 people. In these spaces, where the relational field was prioritized, I was able to be my authentic self without my self-defense mechanisms.

It was only once I felt THIS in my body that I realised the extent of how chaotic most groups are by comparison.

In many groups you'll have a mix of unspoken relational information flying around...

• Differing intentions - sometimes opposing each other.
• Pain and suffering which is being projected at other people.
• Victim - perpetrator - rescuer dynamics playing out.
• Varying levels of trauma responses
• Hyperstimulated people (think caffeine, social media, addictions)
• Unprocessed feelings
• Varying levels of medications / drug use / abuse.

I don't want to sound like I'm making any of this wrong. This is the beautiful wild mess of human existence. Here we are! But what I do want to point out, is that THIS is the information that you're dealing with.

And crucially — you’re not consciously analysing all of this. Your body is tracking it automatically. That’s why it can feel overwhelming. Not because you’re socially inept, but because you’re registering real signals that most people simply don’t pick up.

You walk into a room with 100 people and you're sensing alllllllll of that stuff allllll at once. And then you feel funny in your tummy and you think that it's because you're bad at people!!!!

No No No my sweet beautiful sensitive powerful human. You are NOT the problem here.

The stories you tell to keep yourself safe

My biggest story has been that "I'm Shy". I've told it to myself all my life.

These stories serve an incredibly important function. They keep us safe.

If I am shy, then I don't have to engage. I can stay playing shy.

This strategy has served me so well throughout my life.

I didn't realise any of what I just shared when I was younger. I didn't realise that other people can cause me a lot of pain. But thank god my nervous system knew. It just told me that I'm shy so that I could justify hiding away. That saved me a lot of pain that I wasn't really capable of dealing with at the time.

Now that I have evolved and found safety within myself, I no longer need the story that I'm shy. I can let it go and allow the deeper truth to emerge. This is where superpowers begin to come online. This is where people start to reflect back to you that you're a great listener, or that you're so intuitive, or that you know how to navigate the internal worlds so well.

And it shows up in real moments — like when you somehow know a friend is hurting before they say a word, or when you can feel the emotional tone of a conversation shift even while the words stay polite. These “strange abilities” you’ve chalked up to being weird? They’re actually forms of relational intelligence.

My invitation to you

Start to pay attention to what is ACTUALLY happening in your body in group situations.

Allow yourself to notice the ways you interpret that information. Then, allow yourself to see the truth of how sensitive and attuned you are to relational dynamics.

If you want a tiny, doable practice: next time you enter a group, don’t try to be confident or “on.” Just notice one sensation. One signal from your body. That’s it. Let that be enough.

How would it feel to operate in the world knowing that it's actually your superpower to connect with people?

With this in mind, you're free to choose what spaces you want to inhabit.

• Do you like big raging parties? Or would you prefer a quiet hobby where you can dive deep with people?
• Do you like "networking events"? Or would you prefer to invite people into spaces that YOU create?
• Do you want to learn at a university? Or would a smaller container that goes deeper serve you better?

I know for myself I value depth, honesty, integrity, authenticity, sensitivity and care. The people I surround myself with either have or support these qualities. If they don't, we're just not a match.

I'm not for everyone.

That's okay.

But the people I AM a match with. Boy does it feel good. We go deep. There's no inhibitions. There's truth telling. There's deep empathy and understanding. Seeing and being seen.

This is the world I inhabit.

And the beautiful part is — you get to build the world you inhabit too. A world designed for your nervous system, not against it.

What about you?

What world would you like to inhabit?

Coming full circle

Now that I have replaced my old story (which frankly hurt every time I told it to myself) with a new one, I am much more free now to be who I am. I don't have to contort myself.

I have deeper self understanding about the mechanics that are operating inside my system.

I just realise I'm wired differently to other people.

But there's also a lot of people who are wired like me too.

And we tend to get on with each other really well.

Now I can just show up authentically without feeling drained by social situations. I just sometimes don't enjoy them, so I don't participate. Easy.

My hope is that if you have some of these stories going on, then you're also able to see the deeper truth about yourself.

I hope this framing provides you some relief, opens the doorways to new connections that are actually nourishing for your nervous system, and also begins to awaken your latent superpowers.

So much love and support to you my friend. Hope to see you out there.