How do you respond when you feel fear?

For many of us - the first response is to recoil, pull back and avoid the scary thing.

For others they might be proud of their ability to push through - to "feel the fear and do it anyway" so to speak.

I've done both of these things before.

Sometimes the fear has been strong and I was unable to meet it face to face. This would often result in regret at missed opportunity.

Other times I have chosen to do the scary thing. And usually the outcome was rewarding, despite the process for getting there being terribly difficult.

I've noticed that humans seem to experience fear as this scary beast. Something to either run from, or something to conquer.

It's a kind of war. And it totally makes sense, most people have been taught that fear is something we need to overcome.

But there's something that doesn't quite add-up about this. Because...

Fear is something YOU created.

I know. I know. It wasn't a conscious decision to go "right-o, now it's time to be afraid..."

But if we dig deep enough, then on some level - in our systems - we are ultimately the ones who created the experience of having fear.

Which means, if you're trying to overcome your fear, you're trying to overcome something you've created.

It's like drawing a picture of a dragon, getting afraid of it, and then either running away or fighting the picture.

Wouldn't it be great if instead of having to overcome the fear and have this internal war raging, we could work with the fear?

Maybe we could bring the fear closer, understand its desires and support it to get what it wants - like you would with a close friend.

What if this level of self-understanding is the doorway to the growth and evolution we desire, without having to make enemies of ourselves?

What Is Fear Trying to Tell You

Every part of you has got a positive intention for your life.

Even the fear.

Your fear is probably trying to protect you.

That's a noble cause.

The way it currently tries, is by building up stories, pictures, sensations, feelings to dissuade you from doing the thing.

It might...

• show you images of people laughing at you.
• give you a sickening feeling in your gut
• play sounds of people saying horrible things about you.

These are an attempt to keep you safe.

I remember prior to my first martial arts tournament, my mind kept replaying a movie of me getting kicked in the head. It was terrifying. My wonderful brain was using the ways it knew how, to attempt to prevent me from participating in the fight.

You Still Want to Grow

Part of the reason I signed up to a martial arts tournament was because I wanted to improve. I had never fought a real fight before. So it was an amazing opportunity to expand myself.

If I only had the protective (fearful) part of me, I wouldn't have fought. Because there wouldn't have been a reason to do it.

But I also had (and still have) a part that craved growth. Growth is a deeply important value of mine. So this is what I chose to do.

At the time I didn't know any of what I'm sharing with you now. Instead I steamrolled my fear and participated because I made the growth more important.

However, if I were to go back, I would have struck up a negotiation. It would have been much better to have congruence in my intention. Then I wouldn't have had to steamroll myself (which is a bit hit-or-miss as a strategy)

Negotiating With Fear

Since your fear is trying to help you. And your drive for growth is also trying to help you.

Why not create connection between them. Start up a conversation.

Figure out what each of them wants for your life.

"You want protection? - Great!" "You want growth? - Great!"

"Lets figure out a way to meet both of those needs"

Maybe the fear replaying movies of me being kicked in the head was actually letting me know that my guard wasn't so sharp.

So that could be a part of the negotiation.

Fear part says: "I'm willing to go forward if you're willing to work on your guard."

Growth part of me says - "sure... I mean... practising my guard is growth too. So I'm into that."

Maybe fear can actually keep me alert during the fight. Keep my reflexes sharp, my heart rate up, my muscles at just the right level of readiness.

That's also growth...

You might find that when you have these internal conversations that the parts of you get along really well. They actually are quite complementary.

I mean, it's not like you can grow if you've been kicked to death. So these parts are actually highly compatible.

How Would Life Be Different With Fear On Your Side?

If it feels right, take a moment to simply think of a time you were afraid of doing something and it stopped you from moving ahead.

I invite you to replay that scenario, but instead of trying to overcome the fear - bring it closer. What does it want for you?

And if you bring it into relationship with the part of you that wants to be a YES to this experience. What might they say to each other if they were each negotiating for their needs to be met?

How does that feel in your body? How do you think that might change the pathway forward in your life?

Who do you think you would be if fear was no longer an enemy to overcome - but instead a trusted friend?

An Alternative Way Forward

Treating fear in this way is quite a radical idea. To assume that it has positive intent in your life is of itself an act of peace.

When you no longer make fear your enemy, you are free to receive it's gifts.

My experience from approaching fear in this way is that it not longer has that intense quality about it. The intensity I believe comes largely from not being acknowledged.

But when I've brought the fear close already and I understand it, and I see that it's on my side, it doesn't actually need to yell at me. I can hear it much more for it's positive intent. It's trying to protect me. What a wonderful thing!

From this place, there is more harmony in my internal experience and I'm able to move forward through my life in a way that feels like we're all going in the same direction.

Not like I've got my foot on the accelerator and the brake at the same time.

If this way of relating to fear resonates, this is the kind of work I do with people.

I help you slow down these inner dynamics, listen to what fear is actually asking for, and find a way forward that doesn’t involve fighting yourself.

If you’re curious to explore this together, you’re welcome to reach out

If this approach resonates with you I would love to hear how it shows up in your life.

Let me know what you notice from thinking about fear in this way.